Christmas 2021

When I was a line cook Christmas was just another day off. I usually had to work the day after, so didn’t travel anywhere. My mother and sister had moved out of state and I would usually try to see them in January when it was slow in the restaurant business. So I usually spent the day alone drinking cheap beer, eating from whatever restaurant that was open that also delivered, and watching TV. There were times I got invited to celebrate with coworkers or friends but usually chose to feel sorry for myself and stay home. When I was a kid I loved Christmas time, of course, what kid doesn’t? But I loved everything about it, the carols, the TV shows (especially those Rankin Bass shows), decorating the tree, my mom’s cookies. I loved it.

But as I got older it started to change. When you stop getting toys and start getting clothes, it’s just not the same. I still loved all the other stuff though. I remember going downtown with my dad to see the windows at Marshall Fields (yes I’m old) and coming home and my mom making us hot chocolate. That was Christmas to me. When I moved out of my parent’s house, it changed some more. It was nice to go back home and visit everyone, but you didn’t decorate the tree, or watch the TV specials, or make cookies with mom. You went for the day, exchanged presents, ate, hugged your folks, and came home.

Then when I became a line cook the Christmas season became a busy season. With endless holiday parties that seemed to crush you daily, I usually worked six days a week until Christmas. I was fine with it, all that overtime came in handy, it meant I could send some money to my mom or buy her a decent gift. I remember wanting desperately to treat myself to a cookbook for Christmas. Not just any cookbook though, Michel Bras Essential Cuisine. This was the holy grail of cookbooks for many cooks of my generation. But this is pre-Amazon and it was hard to find or required a special order and I would just forget about it and buy something else. Eventually, it got to the point where I just stopped caring, it was just another day off. When my mother passed away that sort of sealed the deal for me. It would never be the same. Let’s face it, most people don’t experience Christmas the same way as an adult until they have kids or something.

One thing I did look forward to was the slow period right after. After being busy as fuck for a month it was nice to come to work without having a panic attack about the state of your mise en place. I liked it so much I would often volunteer to work for people that needed time off to be with their families. It was nice to be able to take your time with the food and really make sure everything is perfect. The first few weeks of January are usually dead in the restaurant business. As much as I liked the adreneline filled rush of getting slammed and knocking out the orders, a part of me also liked when it was slow, it was nice to cook the food in a sort of liesurely way, take your time, make sure it was just so.

When we owned Vera, Christmas became stressful. We were usually struggling financially and getting in that holiday mood was just about impossible. Having to work the next day was also inevitable and prevented us from actually having enough time off to really relax. When you’re a line cook and the restaurant is slow you probably don’t care or even prefer it but as a restaurant owner, it’s a very different experience. You’re literally praying to be busy so you can pay your bills on time and maybe have some leftover so you can enjoy your holidays. The upside to being broke is it teaches you to be creative with your gift-giving. I would scout Amazon for ideas and deals and was fortunate enough to find things I could afford. But the stress of everything would weigh me down, making me feel frustrated.

The first Christmas after we closed Vera and had regular jobs we went out of our minds buying gifts for each other, spending way more than we should have but it was hard to not feel liberated. Although we enjoyed that Christmas we realized we probably overdid it. Another symptom of stress from owning a restaurant. Since then we have found our groove as far as celebrating Christmas, we still spend too much, but have learned to ease back a bit. We try to buy each other a lot of smaller gifts so we have lots of presents to open.

Thinking about this past year I can’t help but feel grateful for everything I have. I need nothing. My wife gets frustrated sometimes when I am asked what I want for Christmas it’s hard to come up with things. I don’t need anything. I am blessed and have a beautiful place to live, food to eat, clean clothes, books to read, records to play, a very comfortable bed, a wonderful caring wife, I need nothing. I try to take a long walk every morning and to pass the time I listen to podcasts. I listened to one a while ago with an ornithologist Drew Lanham. He said something I will never forget. It was his definition of happiness. He defined it as engaging in an activity and enjoying it so much you completely forget about everything else, in effect you stop thinking about everything except the task at hand. This is how cooking used to be for me. Things have changed as I have gotten older, though I still enjoy it, it’s not quite the same. See, here’s the thing. Cooking was the only thing that allowed me that happiness, it all derived from working in a kitchen. But now I see that there is so much more to my life and enjoy it so much more. Every day is a gift and it’s much clearer to me now.

I hope you all have a happy and safe holiday no matter how you celebrate it, I know I will.